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Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. Also keep a note of all of the reasons why you’ve broken up and the disappointments – refer to this list when you’re tempted to revisit the affair. Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.

If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up.

It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him.

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Before you go down the breakup route, do have an honest conversation with you and ask: Is this a halfhearted cry for attention from him that I hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with me? This is how you lose credibility and open you up to more pain.

He will just think that you’re crying wolf and it will only be a matter of time until you’re back in the affair hot seat. If you put the focus of the breakup on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions. You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy, which actually plays even further into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you.

If you’re serious, here are some suggestions for making an exit that focuses on self-care. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he has chosen not to leave because having the best of both worlds is what he chooses. Blaming her for his infidelity and blaming you for why he hasn’t left ignores the bigger picture of the real issues. I know that I never saw myself as a sideline woman, no matter how low my self-esteem was. This is a good time to think about your short-, medium- and long-term goals, as well as your values. If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have. There is someone in your life who can and will be empathetic and support you with your exit.

Think very hard about whether you want to continue living on the fringes and in the shadows of his life? Is this affair taking you towards your needs, expectations, and wishes or is this taking you in the opposite direction? Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. When I speak to women involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support.Be honest with you about what you’re trying to achieve. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, , you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this. Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy, as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Affairs and in fact, all dubious relationships rely on element of shame and secrecy and this compounds your dilemma.If this is about trying to influence or even force him into making a decision or at the very least, gameplaying, re-evaluate your motives and think about the bigger picture and whether is how you want to spend your time, because it’s a slippery slope to losing your dignity and no one is worth that. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. That and whatever you’re prepared to settle for is what you’re going to get. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. When you stop seeing her as this inconvenient, pesky obstacle, in truly empathising, you will be able to feel compassion and also have self-compassion. Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years? Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address. You’d be surprised though – lots of people have been in your situation.It can feel like an exorcism that brings up every ugly thought and issue that you may have been unaware was rumbling around inside you.Many BR readers have been or are in an affair situation and wonder, I hope that these fifteen tips can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to feeling happier, secure, and free to move on to healthier relationships.YBL -----You've Been Lazy YBM -----Youth Build Mc Lean YBN -----Young Blood Needed YBO -----Young Bucks Outdoors YBP -----Coalition of Young Black Professionals YBQ -----Tadoule Lake (Canada) YBR -----Yellow Brick Road YBS -----Your Big Sister YBT -----Yeshiva B`nei Torah YBU -----Yellow Book Update YBV -----Yucca Bacata Vespertina YBW -----Yachting and Boating World magazine YBX -----Young Brothers' Exchange YBY -----Yarmouth Boat Yard YBZ -----Yad Ben-Zvi YCA -----Yokogawa Corporation of America YCB -----Youth Coordinating Board YCC -----Youth Conservation Corps YCD -----Youth Community Development YCE -----You Can't Enter YCF -----Yankee Critical Facility YCG -----Young Carmelite Group YCH -----Youth Crisis Hotline YCI -----Youth Challenge International YCJ -----Young Champions for Jesus YCK -----Yekitiya Ciwanen Kurd YCL -----Young Communist League YCM -----Youth Council of Montenegro YCN -----Youth Challenge Network YCO -----York College Observatory YCP -----Youth Collaboration Project YCQ -----Yacht Club of Quebec YCR -----Youth Council Representative YCS -----You Can't be Serious YCT -----You Can't Type YCU -----Yard Craft, Utility (Naval Vessel Type) YCV -----Youth Council Voice YCW -----You Can't Win YCX -----Youth Club Extreme YCY -----Youth Council of Yugoslavia YCZ -----Youth for Christ Zimbabwe YDA -----Young Democrats of America YDB -----Yamaha Drum Bag YDC -----Youth for Development and Co-operation YDD -----Youth Development Department YDE -----Youth Development through Employment YDF -----Youth Deliberative Forum YDG -----Yard De-Gaussing vessel YDH -----Yeshiva Derech Ha Torah YDI -----Youth Development International YDJ -----Youth Development Journal YDK -----You Don't Know YDL -----Youth Development Leadership YDM -----You Da Man YDN -----Youth Development Network YDO -----Youth Development Officer YDP -----Youth Development Program YDQ -----Your Daily Quiz YDR -----Young Dancers in Repertory YDS -----Young Democratic Socialists YDT -----Yardcraft, Diving Tender (Naval Vessel Type) YDU -----You Don't Understand YDV -----Young Dumb and Violent YDW -----Youth Development Worker YDX -----Yankee Book Peddler YDY -----Youth Defending Youth YDZ -----Youth Development Zone YEA -----Youth Environmental Associates YEB -----Young Entrepreneurs at Berkeley YEC -----Youth Evangelical Conference YED -----Yeovil Electronic Developments, Limited YEE -----Youth and Environment Europe YEF -----Young Engineers Forum YEG -----Youth Experiencing God YEH -----Youth Enterprise Hub YEI -----Youth for Energy Independence YEJ -----Youth Encounter Jesus YEK -----Youth Entrepreneurs of Kansas YEL -----YEL Electronics Limited YEM -----Youth Empowerment Mission YEN -----Youth of European Nationalities YEO -----Your Eyes Only YEP -----Youth Empowerment Project YEQ -----Young Engineers Queensland YER -----Youth En Route YES -----Youth Education Series YET -----You're Eligible, Too YEU -----Yukon Employees Union YEV -----Yazaki EDS Vietnam, Ltd.

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