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As such, this relationship — the one with me — is a village in a different country, on another planet. is in his mid-30s and works in finance, though he wanted to be a scientist. The screen on his phone is taken up by an image of his baby daughter; he moves it aside with his thumb and forefinger to search for a book I tell him he would like. has trouble with eye contact, so he says to his water, "You're beautiful." He has never eaten caviar, so we order a flight.

'I could never have this conversation with her'I meet G. He calls me by my fake name, and I call him by his. You may get to know a deep tumor of the married man's soul, but you won't know his real name.) He looks exactly as he does in his pictures: dark-haired and big-chinned, vaguely politician-ish. He lives in a big city now but grew up in a small town where he married young. His wife is not intellectual enough, he says, but he will be with her for life.

He joined Ashley Madison because that encounter left him wanting more. "Everything about her consumed my thoughts, and that's when I first signed up.

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For my own safety, I won't reveal what I'm really doing. In my profile, I say that I'm married, because in addition to avoiding escorts, many of the men on the site don't want the complications of seeing a single woman. Sex only scratches the surface In between his kid's soccer game and a pizza party, B.* sends a picture of himself on a golf course.

One of the men has a tagline on his profile that reads, "At your cervix, madam." Within moments of signing in, instant messages flush my screen, emails and winks from muscular men and men much older than me and young ones and proud fathers and one gray grandfather, worming out like monsters from the baseboards. In their bathrooms with their i Phones held up to the mirror, their faces partially obscured, their wives' J'adore behind them, on top of the toilet.

But most have taken their pictures recently and surreptitiously.

One man has his arm across the shoulders of a young Jon Bon Jovi.

We talk about books, and he says his wife doesn't excite this part of his brain.

"I could never have this conversation with her," he says.By definition, Ashley Madison, a dating site for cheaters, is a disreputable place. Your first impulse may be to throw your arms up in rage and condemn its members, the ones trawling for an affair or the chance to talk dirty in an instant message. I set out to ask married men on the site not only why they cheat, but why they do it so boldly, admitting their recklessness and confessing their betrayals on the Internet as though their morality and fidelity were items up for auction on e Bay. I say I'm scared to live the rest of my life with unexplored desire. There are the ones who just want to meet to have sex; you can tell because their handles are direct and uncomplicated: Yours4Lust and Deep Passion Man.To get started, I create a profile with a fake name and a dark picture of myself and chart a plan. Then I'll meet a few of them for a drink, but there will be no drunkenness. The rest of what I say is mostly true, and to weed out the more aggressive guys, my tone comes off as exploratory, not sexual. They list measurements and ask for yours, as though it's merely a matter of fitting one puzzle piece into another. Instead, I respond to the thoughtful ones, whose tales might help answer my questions.He also included a dispatch from the previous evening's softball game, from the excitement of the opening huddle to the crushing defeat. He lets himself be vulnerable too, sharing memories of the beloved dog he had to put down, the long drive home from the vet when he could not stop crying.More on Redbook:18 most annoying male habits, explained51 days of new outfits (for less than 0!Ashley Madison's president, Noel Biderman, certainly does. "They're saying, 'I want a type of intimacy my partner's not giving me,'" he says.

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